Tuesday, June 7, 2011

What to do with a good poem with multiple good endings

I generated 4 or 5 Haiku [poems] using a cold experience in June in Turlock, CA, where it's supposed to be hot this time of year. Here's part of my e-mail exchange with a friend, in which I count syllables just to show I've got legal Haiku. But note how many nuances there are with easy-looking changes.

______Spring Forgot - [original] ______

[5 syllables]   Spring forgot her mission.
[7 syllables]   In May, she warmed one day, then
[5 syllables]   Back came wintry cold.


______Spring Forgot -B______

[5]  Spring forgot her mission.
[7]  In May, she warmed one day, then
[5] Blew fresh, powd’ry snow. 




______Spring Forgot - C______
Spring forgot her mission.
In May, she warmed one day, then
Blew fresh, fluffy snow.


______Spring Forgot - D______

Spring forgot her mission.
In May, she warmed one day, the
Next day, slipp’ry snow. 



______Spring Forgot - E______

Spring forgot her mission.
In May, she warmed one day, the
Next day, slipped-in snow.
…only to prove 1) you can re-write till hell freezes over; 2) the hard part is picking the best for readings/publishing.

Analyzing the different versions.

A) I thought the original, while true to the day on which it was modeled, seems a bit bleak. Maybe, not enough in keeping with what I want my audience to hear.

B) Therefore the search is on for something less bleak. Version B emphasis a light, fluffy, non-dangerous snow, yet still puts across "a cold day" after a warm day.

C) Changes powd'ry, which is a great newly-invented contraction word, with a word "fluffy" that provides onomatopoeia. The two f words "fresh, fluffy" in a quick succession add lyrically, although "fluffy" is, perhaps, more mundane than "powd'ry."

D) "Slipp'ry" changes the whole of emphasis to a funny slipping and sliding, i.e., now warm May day (safe and comfortable) is followed by a rather hazardous day. The coldness is implied, but not very emphasized. It's a fun or ending (bad, uncoordinated thing happening to a person other than the reader).

E) "Slipped-in" is a play on words that suggests two completely different meanings (but the hyphenated words put it squarely as one meaning. In this meaning, the personification of May is emphasized. May has a quirky mind of her own and, this cold day, is a bit mischievous. May is given a real personality, and that is done very economically, and, in addition, reminds us one can slip and look uncoordinated or even break a bone.

Now the only question is which one do I choose to publish? I don't know! Writing is a game of choices. What should the next sentence say? There is no one correct answer, apparently.