______Spring Forgot - [original] ______
[5 syllables] Spring forgot her mission.
[7 syllables] In May, she warmed one day, then
[5 syllables] Back came wintry cold.
______Spring Forgot -B______
[5] Spring forgot her mission.
[7] In May, she warmed one day, then[5] Blew fresh, powd’ry snow.
______Spring Forgot - C______
Spring forgot her mission.In May, she warmed one day, then
Blew fresh, fluffy snow.
______Spring Forgot - D______
Spring forgot her mission.
In May, she warmed one day, the
Next day, slipp’ry snow.
______Spring Forgot - E______
Spring forgot her mission.
In May, she warmed one day, the
Next day, slipped-in snow.
…only to prove 1) you can re-write till hell freezes over; 2) the hard part is picking the best for readings/publishing.Analyzing the different versions.
A) I thought the original, while true to the day on which it was modeled, seems a bit bleak. Maybe, not enough in keeping with what I want my audience to hear.
B) Therefore the search is on for something less bleak. Version B emphasis a light, fluffy, non-dangerous snow, yet still puts across "a cold day" after a warm day.
C) Changes powd'ry, which is a great newly-invented contraction word, with a word "fluffy" that provides onomatopoeia. The two f words "fresh, fluffy" in a quick succession add lyrically, although "fluffy" is, perhaps, more mundane than "powd'ry."
D) "Slipp'ry" changes the whole of emphasis to a funny slipping and sliding, i.e., now warm May day (safe and comfortable) is followed by a rather hazardous day. The coldness is implied, but not very emphasized. It's a fun or ending (bad, uncoordinated thing happening to a person other than the reader).
E) "Slipped-in" is a play on words that suggests two completely different meanings (but the hyphenated words put it squarely as one meaning. In this meaning, the personification of May is emphasized. May has a quirky mind of her own and, this cold day, is a bit mischievous. May is given a real personality, and that is done very economically, and, in addition, reminds us one can slip and look uncoordinated or even break a bone.
Now the only question is which one do I choose to publish? I don't know! Writing is a game of choices. What should the next sentence say? There is no one correct answer, apparently.